


Song fics

by Plant_Mom_2004



Category: Bandom, Dear Evan Hansen, Hamilton - Miranda, Voltron: Legendary Defender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-02 04:50:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13310910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plant_Mom_2004/pseuds/Plant_Mom_2004
Summary: mostly bands, some musicals, a few original songs, look up on youtube if you want, this is also on my wattpad @Meganekomusic43/@megahellokitty43





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> these are a bit triggering sorry

Based on The Kids Aren't Alright

_Bad trip I couldn't get off._ I sat crying in the bathroom the door was locked, no one was home, even if they were no one would come knocking.

_Fall to your knees bring on the raptures._ (do it already, no one will miss you) I shake my head and try to break the razor head more, I tried to get the blades.

_And with the black banners raised as the crooked smiles fade._ "Hey, honey are you okay?" I hear chrissy ask, mom must have let her in, then again she would have forced her way in because of my text.

_For the heroes who quit to late and just want to fill up the trophy case again_."Please just let me do this" I say and then hear a pop as she jimmied the lock and got it open, I curl into myself to hide my tear streaked face and my scratched at arms.

_And in the end I'll do it all again._ "It wasn't your fault, you don't have to feel bad about this" she says and hugs me, I cry heavier, she did it because of me.

_I think your my best friend._ "It was my fault, I couldn't even talk her out of it, I'm the reason she isn't happy" I cry and try to get the damned blades out of the plastic guard.

_When it rains it pours._ "Stop, stop this, you can't ruin yourself like this!" she says taking the metal from my hand.

_Don't you know that the kids aren't all, kids, aren't alright._ "I'm already ruined, can't you see this, I am ruined, broken, unlovable and a burden" I say deathly calm and stand, she tries to follow me upstairs but I run up and grab the puzzle jar holding my backup blades.

_I'm not passive but aggressive._ "no, put them down, stop doing this to yourself, You have been doing so well, three months, three months and counting!" she say still trying to get her point across.

_Take note it's not impressive._ "tell that to her" I say and rip into my flesh with the corner of the blade to leave a scar.

_Empty your sadness like your dumping your purse on the bedroom floor._ "drop them! now!" she yelled and I did as my hand spasmed and my arm rushed with pain as I hit a vein.

_We put your curse in reverse._ "let me die, let me ruin everything just like every other day" I say and rush downstairs to the bathroom, I grab the cleaning rag and soak it in scalding water before tying it tightly around the wound while going to the shelf where the gauze was and getting some bandages, sterilized gauze, and some peroxide.

_I still feel it rushing my veins it twisted my hair just a bit to thin._ "I'll do it" she says and unwraps my arm before pouring a bit of peroxide onto the wound and wiping it with the towel, I feel the gauze go on but not really, when she wraps it tight in bandages she goes and grabs my shoes and makes me put them on before walking quickly with me down to her house where she gets her mom and she makes me ride with them to the hospital.

_let your dirty sadness fill me up just like a balloon._ "please, just drop me off here, I'll go in on my own" chrissy shakes her head no and gets out, she pulls me inside and tells them what happened before they take me to get stitched done and get the wound closed properly.

_And in the end I'll do it all again, I think your my best friend, don't you know that the kids aren't all, kids aren't alright, and I'm yours when it rains it pours, stay thirsty like before, don't you know that the kids aren't all, kids aren't alright._


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry, I'm lazy and didn't edit out the lowercase is

Based on You Don't Know - Katelyn Tarver

" _you don't know what it's like_ to want to die, you have no idea how stressful it had been trying to be so nice and have decent grades and make varsity and be in french and do tenth grade math when all you expect of blake it to pass his classes!" i yell as my grandmother tried to tell me i was wrong about having depression.

"you think i don't know the stress of it?"

"you don't understand what it's like to want so badly to try and jump from your window to run to someone's house where they could talk you out of wanting to die and _you don't know what it's like_ to have the urge to break open every razor cartridge in the pack for the blades so you can fuel your addiction to pain or the itch of healing cuts that you know left blood marks on your sleep pants that everyone ignored because it might me red juice or something explainable, no you don't understand the stress i go through trying to push myself to get out of bed because moving makes me feel like I'm wasting space, i feel i am nothing to you because you keep trying to make my problems general and for once i need you to recognize that i am not mentally healthy I am not okay at all you dont even care to ask me if the reason i hate school is because of a mental illness, i have depression and _anxiety_ and with that is insomnia, you act like i want to stay awake laying with thoughts that will literally be the death of me i want to be recognized as someone with their own problems because even though you don't see them or i'm just a child who doesn't even know what life is I have problems real life problems i am going to face for the rest of my life and i feel like i might not have one if you don't stop ignoring the signs that i am clearly putting out i want to die!" I said, i didn't yell, i didn't put words into her mouth, she stops and looks at me, I had on a pair of loose camp shorts and actual panties, I had on elbow gloves and a tanked tee shirt.

"so you're telling me you are hiding scars and pain from your parents and trying to make it seem like it's all poor you, i bet this so called addiction to pain isn't even developed"

"you keep making me feel so forgettable and that you could live without, blake could but i didn't think you would really make me feel like that, you don't even know the extent of how far i've gone down this road, i'm suicidal and i am not going to stop until someone acknowledges it" I spit out and rip off my elbow gloves and some scab comes off with them and I know it looks gruesome, "this is what i'm talking about, you don't even give me a chance to tell you anything or even care about what i show you because god forbid i develop a chronic illness that i cannot control because it's a chemical imbalance in my head that no one can stop, it's a cancer to the mind that doesn't have a physical form" I say and pull on my gloves before storming outside and running, no destination, just running, I eventually end up at the underpass, humming a song to myself.


	3. 3

Based on From Now On We are Enemies - Fall Out Boy

_A downward spiral, just a_ _pirouette_. She had multiple fatal wounds they treated in time but she wasn't going to stop coming back with more.

_Getting worse until there's nothing left_. She stood outside the hospital doors after being discharged by her 'friend' who was eighteen and was legally her caregiver.  
"Don't do anything more stupid" He said before walking off, she walks the opposite direction to the cliff on the edge of town where they had a balcony overlooking the ocean, she kneeled at the base of the tall jump guard and pulled up the corner her other 'friend' told her about, they use it for cliff jumping, she was using it for suicide.

_I'm just the man on a balcony singing nobody will ever remember me_. She climbed out onto the ledge where she looked down at the rough waves crashing on the walls of the cliff, she heard sirens behind her and before she could jump she was handcuffed to the jump guard be a man, she started crying and tryign to get out of the cuffs, she didn't want to live anymore, she didn't want to make her guardian to have to pay anymore bills for her shit apartment or have to make people interact with her at the cafe, she wanted to die and she would make it that way.  
"Ma'am please stop fighting, you have to stop trying to jump, please come with us calmly and we can get you help" I start crying harder and lean against the wall and just give up.  
"It's going to be okay, you are going to be okay" she feels like they are trying to save her from a hostage situation.  
"All clear on underside, coming up with rescue copter" she hears a voice say on the officers walkie.  
"please, let me die, I just want to die. I give up" she begs the officer as the copter aproches and a man reaaches out to her and grabs a hold of her while the officer uncuffs her and she is lifted into the copter where they shut the doors imediatly and sit her down in a corner.  
"Please, let me go, I just don't want to live anymore, the pain never stops, I want to die, please let me die" she pleads again and they give her a sympathetic look before they fly to a hospital where she is limited to the mental health sector and she is put into a blank white room where she would stay until proven she wasn't a danger to herself, she stayed there three months until she hung herself during nurse switch using the sheets.  
_Rejoice... Rejoice..., And Fall To Your Knees..._


	4. 4

Based on Better Off Dead - SWS

_no one will miss you_  it said creeping back into my thoughts as I chopped carrots and cucumber for my lunch tomorrow  
 **yes they will**  I thought and continued making lunch for tomorrow.  
 _no one thinks you're pretty_ it says  
 **zarah does**  I say and place my ham and cheese sandwich into my lunch box with the veggies and fruit juice I packed.  
 _she is lying, you are worthless_  I set down the stuff in my hands and hold my ears shut as if it will help.  
 _you can't escape me..._  it says tauntingly, I leave the kitchen and head to the bathroom and strip out of my clothes before turning the shower to the hottest temperature before stepping in and allowing the regulated heat to scald my skin until I adjusted, then I turn it ice cold and stand there shivering before stepping out and looking at myself into the mirror with disgust before Zarah knocks on the door and peeks it, she sees my reddened skin and my glazed over eyes and she grabs a towel and wraps it around me and just holds me for a while.  
"I-I'm nothing, I'm nothing to everyone and no one loves me, I'm not even worth your time, you should let me die" I say crying, she just takes my face in her hands and kisses me crazy.  
"I love you, you are more than enough and you aren't just pretty, you are perfect" she says and hugs me tightly letting the water from my hair drip onto her clothes.  
"lets get you some clothes and go to bed, I already put your lunch into the fridge so it's okay." I nod and she leads me to our room and we lay down after she hands me a tee shirt and underwear.

_time skip_

I held a rope tied in a noose in my hand.  
 _will it work? you might break it with your fat ass_  it says to make me feel even more worthless  
 **it will work and she wont be home for another two hours**  I think and finish tying the rope to the chin up bar in the door way, I was short enough that if I stepped off the stool I was on it would strangle me.  
"honey I'm home early!" zarah yells and I slip my head into the loop and tighten it before kicking the stool away letting myself hang, she would put her stuff down and come looking for me thinking I was sleeping, find my note, feel bad, and I would be gone.  
wait...I.....don't.......want.........to...........be.............gone...............


	5. 5

Based on It's Quiet Uptown - Hamilton

"You have no idea what I'm going through!" She screamed at me, now I never take off my scarf for any reason and she was yelling at me for a pretty damn good one.  
"You want to know what you don't understand about me huh? You really want to know what I 'don't understand'" I say deathly calm as I pull my scarf off. She gasps at the guteral scar giong across my throat and I pull off my sweater too revealing endless scars, she thinks I don't understand what it's like to hate myself.  
"You have no idea how far I've gone to understanding what your going through, this is the unimaginable, now if you think for one more day that you aren't someone I care for and that you won't make it through this you are wrong because I am here for you through this unimaginable fight" I say and hug her  
"Thank you, thank you thank you so much" She says and crys into my shoulder,this is a never ending battle that I am still fighting in but if I can save her from herself then I will.  
"You will not fall into the devil's grip, you wil always fall to my touch and never a knife's" I say and she nods into my neck, I rub up her back and she pulls her head away from me for a moment to say something.  
"You are the best women I have ever met and the best person I ever got to fall in love with" she says and kisses me and well... lets just say she never felt bad about her body or my love for her on any good day, now bad days are normal but she got less and less of them.


	6. 6

Based on song Sober - P!nk

_I don't want to be the girl that laughs the loudest._ I smiled and laughed a fake loud laugh at the dorky meme she sent me.  
_Or the girl who never wants to be alone._ "how long can you be on?" "until my mom wakes up" "when?" "five" "okay" "you want to talk for awhile i guess?" "don't leave me alone" "wouldn't dream of it".  
_I don't want to be that call at four oh'clock in the morning._ "I only have an hour of internet, I feel like relapsing help" "it's okay calm down, call me".  
_cause I'm the only one in the world you know that wont be home._ "where are you" "outside on my side roof" "don't do anything stupid or harmful"  
_I don't want to be the girl that has to fill the silence._ (you have now joined the call) "um hi" "hi" I said weakly "are you okay?" I don't answer and start to tear up, I shake my head no.  
_please don't tell me that we had that conversation._ "you doing okay now?" she asked "I can't remember most of last night" "are you sure you slept?" I shake my head no, she pulls me into a hug.  
_cause I wont remember save your breath cause what's the use._ "I can't remember much but it was because I almost relapsed" I say and she just holds me tight and tries to hold me for as long as possible.  
_coming down coming down coming down._ "I don't want to die but it hurts" I whisper and she nods and kisses my head, I bury my head in her shoulder and cry.  
_spin around spin around spin around._ "I don't even think I can remember being okay" I day and feel tears drip onto her hoodie, "it's okay, no one is always happy" she says.  
_I'm safe up high._ "can we just stay like this?" she nods and I feel content.  
_nothing can touch me._ "don't you even try" she says her voice cold and venomous she says to my brother.  
_why do I feel this bodies over._ "I don't feel like I love myself but I love you and I can try" I say and she kisses me and smiles after, "thats enough, you're enough.  
_no pain inside._ "I love you".  
_your like perfection_. "I love you too".  
_how do i feel this good sober._ "I want to spend forever with you".  
_I'm safe up high._ "I love the sound of that".  
_nothing can touch me_. "lets have our forever".  
_why do I feel this bodies over._ "forever and after".  
_no pain inside._ "forever and after".  
_your like perfection_. "I love you, you complete me Zarah".  
_how do I feel this good sober?_ "I love you too, Caroline".


	7. 7

Based on Waving Through A Window - Dear Evan Hansen

_I've learned to slam on the brake before I even turn the key._ I try walking out the door but pause and recite me mantra  
_before I make the mistake before I lead with the worst of me._ "you will not say anything more than what you mean"  
_I give them no reason to stare_. "you will be the picture perfect image they want"  
_no slipping up if you slip away._ "you will fade into the background like they want"  
_so I've got nothing to share no I've got nothing to say._ "you will not be noticed"  
_step out, step out of the sun if you keep getting burned._ I walk outside and feel the sun warm my face  
 _step out, step out of the sun because you've learned because you've learned._ I pull up my hood and walk head down to school  
 _on the outside always looking in will I ever be more than I've always been_. I look into the music store and see my best friend  
 _cause I'm tap tap tapping on the glass I'm waving through a window._ I tap on the glass and she looks up  
_i try to speak but nobody can hear so i wait around for an answer to appear_. she points to her ear and I shake my head  
_while I'm watch watch watching people pass I'm waving through a window._ I wave lightly one more time but she doesn't wave back only frowns  
_can anybody see, is anybody waving back at me._ I feel my mask flicker and I continue on my way to school  
_we start with stars in our eyes_. I remember being so happy to finally be in highschool and be in the loop  
_we start believing that we belong._ I loved being part of conversation again  
_but every sun doesn't rise._ then I realized how much stress I had  
 _and no one tells you where you went wrong._ I don't remember signing up for so many classes  
_step out, step out of the sun if you keep getting burned._ I head inside the school and pull down my hood before someone else does  
_step out, step out of the sun because you've learned because you've learned._ I head for homeroom and get ready for class  
_on the outside always looking in will I ever be more than I've always been._ I look up quickly at Jayna and Kylie and smile and wave lightly  
 _cause I'm tap tap tapping on the glass I'm waving through a window._ they smile back and wave back  
 _I try to speak but nobody can hear so I wait around for an answer to appear._ I point to my ear and they point to their notebooks  
 _while I'm watch watch watching people pass I'm waving through a window._ I nod, they needed to trade notes  
_can anybody see, is anybody waving._ I walk to the back of the room where I usually sat, and would have sat with my girlfriend if she didn't jump  
_when you're falling in a forest._ I see a sub walking into the class instead of our regular teacher  
_and there's nobody around._ I frown fully and feel the itch of my anxiety  
_do ever really crash or even make a sound?_ "everybody needs to be quiet so I can do attendance"  
_when you're falling in a forest._ I was always at the front of the list  
_and there's nobody around._ "Gabbi?" I raise my hand, he looks up and nods before checking next to my name  
_do ever really crash or even make a sound?_ "sir, can I go to the nurse?" I ask before he goes to the next name, he nods and points to the door  
_when you're falling in a forest._ I grab my bag off the floor and head out of the class  
_and there's nobody around._ "you can make it" I whisper while trying to keep upright  
d _o ever really crash or even make a sound?_ I get to the stairs but can't find the strength to get down them, I hear steps behind me  
_when you're falling in a forest._ "hey, Gabbi? the sub called miss eddie and you weren't there it's been over two minutes, do you need help?" Jayna says while Kylie comes up behind her, I nod sadly  
_and there's nobody around._ "I can't do the stairs, I can't, I ca-" I start hyperventilating, Kylie goes down the stairs to get miss eddie  
_do ever really crash or even make a sound?_ "hey come on breathe, breathe with me okay, I'm going to get you on your feet okay?" I nod shakily and try to follow her breathes but I can't quite do it, she lifts me onto my feet and holds me up by my one hip and my arm slung over her shoulder  
_did I even make a sound_. I hear kylie quickly explaining what happened to miss eddie  
_did I even make a sound._ "oh, Gabbi, quickly, Jayna can you carry her, she can't walk like this, the fact that she is still standing is progress but she can still pass out" Jayna quickly swings my legs up and carries me down the stair to the nurses office where she sets me on the bed like miss eddie directed  
_its like I never made a sound_. "Gabbi, breathe, you need to breathe, do you need me to get you paper or can you do sign?" I sign a quick yes and she starts asking me yes or no questions, I don't really know how I got so worked up  
_will I ever make a sound_. "are you seeing spots? are you dizzy? do you feel tired? have you eaten yet today? is it an anxiety attack?" no, no, yes, no, yes  
_On the outside always looking in will I ever be more than I've always been_. "do you want to sleep or do you want me to send you home?" I hold up a one, she dismisses the girls back to class and she puts my bag next to me on a chair and she helps me take off my zip up hoodie and lay down, I hug my arms and try and sleep off some fatigue.  
_cause I'm tap tap tapping on the glass I'm waving through a window._ a little while later I hear a tapping on the door and Miss eddie enters carrying a small grilled cheese sandwich, which I know she wanted me to eat, an apple juice, and some grapes  
_I try to speak but nobody can hear so I wait around for an answer to appear_. "eat and then we'll talk" I nod and when I finish eating my mom walks in, she was off work today, she hugs my small bony frame and I start crying  
_while I'm watch watch watching people pass I'm waving through a window_. "you don't have to keep doing this anymore, you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to fade away" she says, I nod but I feel empty  
_can anybody see is anybody waving back at me?_ "I feel like I'm always sitting on the outside of the fish tank tapping on the glass trying to get them to notice me, they only do when they want something" I say  
_is anybody waving?_ she holds my face in her hands and wipes away my tears  
_waving?_ "you are more than enough, you are more than anything you could have dreamed of" she says and kisses my forehead  
_waving?_ "let's go home and eat and watch movies and just talk okay?" I nod.


	8. 8

_I never meant to make it such a mess._ I try and wipe the tears from my eyes but they kept flowing  
 _I never thought that it would go this far._ she sneers at me and I can't catch my breath  
 _So I just stand here sorry._ I try and stutter an apology but she walks away  
 _Searching for something to say._ I can't move because my legs are frozen  
 _Something to say_. "wait, you still have something of mine" I say and she turns back  
 _Words fail, words fail._ "what is it?" she says reluctantly  
 _There's nothing I can say._ "my heart" I say just barely above a whisper  
 _I guess I thought I could be part of this._ I remember when i first asked her out, it was when she came over to my house  
 _I never had this kind of thing before._ she kissed me on the neck and told me it was a great idea  
 _I never had that perfect girl._ I kissed her the next time she was over  
 _Who somehow could see the good part of me._ she used to babble on and on about how gorgeous I was  
 _I never had the dad who stuck it out._ she would go to her dads on certain weekends and I feel sad, I never met my dad  
 _No corny jokes or baseball gloves._ I remember having one or two male figures in my life but never a dad  
 _No mom who just was there._ I remember seeing my grandmother more than my mom, whether my mom was working or reading a book  
 _'Cause mom was all that she had to be._ she would either be too depressed to function or too tired from work  
 _That's not a worthy explanation._ I remember texting her saying she was making me upset  
 _I know there is none._ she said I was fine  
 _Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done._ so I went home and cried  
 _Words fail, words fail._ I tried to speak to her but she saw through me, so I walked away and cried  
 _There's nothing I can say._ I tried again but ended up crying  
 _Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted._ I had the perfect relationship, what everyone wanted in one  
 _And sometimes, you see everything you wish you had._ until she stopped talking to me  
 _And it's right there, right there, right there._ I could reach out and grab her arm anytime and pull her aside  
 _In front of you._ I could easily break up with her and be over with the drama  
 _And you want to believe it's true._ but I won't until she says she doesn't love me  
 _So you make it true._ I just smile and answer questions generically when people ask  
 _And you think maybe everybody wants it._ she uses me in conversations saying i'm the best thing to happen to her when we don't even talk  
 _And needs it, a little bit too._ every time we are together everyone likes us  
 _This was just a sad invention._ I knew it was too good to last  
 _It wasn't real, I know._ we didn't talk for three weeks and when I confronted her she told be to calm down, to not be anxious  
 _But we were happy._ she would smile and hold small talk  
 _I guess I couldn't let that go._ I wanted it to last  
 _I guess I couldn't give that up._ I tried so hard  
 _I guess I wanted to believe._ I didn't give up  
 _'Cause if I just believe._ until I couldn't even do anything anymore  
 _Then I don't have to see what's really there._ I pretended I was fine  
 _No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts._ I relapsed  
 _Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am._ I jut held the fake smile until I couldn't  
 _'Cause then I don't have to look at it._ I starved  
 _And no one gets to look at it._ I hid everything from everyone  
 _No, no one can really see._ until I was gasping for breathe in a school bathroom while a friend was trying to talk to me  
 _'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake._ I shut myself down and pretended it was just some randon panic attack  
 _Before I even turn the key._ they were unsure but dropped it  
 _Before I make the mistake._ a week later she saw the cuts and she knew, I wasn't fine  
 _Before I lead with the worst of me._ I was strong until I realized I was a coward for hiding  
 _I never let them see the worst of me._ I ended up in the arms of friends in an empty hall crying because she stopped loving me  
 _'Cause what if everyone saw?_ nights of tears on my keyboard  
 _What if everyone knew?_ nights of texting friends when I wanted to die  
 _Would they like what they saw?_ nights of being told I am a beautiful person  
 _Or would they hate it too?_ nights of panic attacks and self hate  
 _Will I just keep on running away from what's true?_ until I faced her and told her she threw me into a downward spiral  
 _All I ever do is run._ she rolled her eyes and said I did it myself  
 _So how do I step in._ I look her in the eye and say  
 _Step into the sun?_ "I did one thing wrong, that was loving you"  
 _Step into the sun._ I went home and cried for the last time over her.


End file.
